Bleedout 🩸
My womb is screaming. My head is pounding. My heart is aching. My breath is stuck. My body is so heavy. My throat hurts and I can't stop crying. Everything is too much. In this car, engine rumbling idle around me. Rain on the windows.
All the hurt doesn't change anything. This practical statement does nothing to ease any of it though. As useless as the g in though.
The next song title lights up the car stereo screen. It's called Unfair. Really. I can't make this up.. It's really good and is really sad and instrumental.
I would laugh if I wasn't in agony. Heartbreak is ugly. Cruel. Especially in a body like mine, in a life like mine.
I was doing better. But today was a truck slamming into me, maybe sending me off a cliff somewhere.
I did much good today for those who needed it, while I lost another support pillar at the facility who was keeping me sane with brother's care. It's a heavy loss there that I haven't registered yet. Maybe because the one I'm currently wrapped around is so intermittently consuming.
Time. Time. Time...
Well hurry the fuck up, Time, we're dying out here on this hormonal and awful day.. Night now. Alone. I prefer that but right now it's another gut punch.
The words spill like blood and this bleedout feels like it's finally running toward empty. I may have the strength now to go inside, turn off the lights, and hope for dreamless sleep and to wake back to a manageable and passably functional state.
I really am trying. But that voice repeating no, no, no. You chose, you chose.
And he didn't choose you. He just didn't.
"All this hurt doesn't change anything." Yeah. I heard you the first time.