Court Dismissed
I'm doing a bit better. Though had a moment of grief that was so painful, my system kept trying to turn how I've navigated the loss in to a crime. Rendered me a defendant, because a crime at least, has a cause. A cause under my control.
But it's just sadness. And grief. Trying to soften the impact by pushing the guilt forward in its place. Fully armed with a big nudge of false equivalencies, and a helping of retroactive empathy using my own memory of another loss. Back then, I was on the other side of the equation and "defendant vs prosecution" was genuinely more applicable.
Protector-ass part-doing little shit. Everyone's so creative.
Caught it. Put down the court documents. Leaving the courtroom now. Protector part is a little disappointed because it made a very convincing stage to play this out.
My regrets don't need to come forward in this way. Only holding hands with the sadness and loss would be the true and acceptable form to take in right now.
On an amusing side note, my attempt to write somewhat eloquently about this particular bruise (weathered by tripping headfirst into the mirror of self-reflection) is also a little bit of the protector moment.
It, kindly, decided to erect this small transition space between court and outside, where it's real. Back to real is back to feeling and letting the sadness flow again without theater.
Thank you writing room protector. I appreciate your extra cushion and shielding. But I will be fine. I'll take my leave of you for now. 🩶