Enough even though....
I am exhausted. My body is fully anxious today, hinting that my period may come this month after all. Knowing me, it'll be around the full moon.
In the meantime the fatigue feels so much older and deeper than usual. I feel my body crying out all over, to feel held in loving strength, for the noise to dissolve in the absolute safety of an embrace meant for me.
I listen to her aching. I don't deny or push it away. I don't swallow back her tears. I understand her. I agree with her. It's so sad. Everything has been so sad and we don't have to fight it anymore.
I tell her I don't know that we will ever feel that way again, I won't lie or make promises. But that feeling and memory are ours. It isn't lost. And one day, as we keep meeting together and not resisting one another, there will be room for those feelings to manifest again. Perhaps in new and surprising ways.
I feel her flinch in agony. Not now I say. It's okay. That's not for today..I just wanted you to hear it, a seed we can grow together later. I know it's not the same, but I'm holding you, I tell her.
She cries to me, I'm sorry, she says, thank you so much, but I feel bad it hurts more to know it's just me taking care of me all over again. He was... special.
It hurt both of us for her to admit, to insist, and I let it.
It's just me. It's always...
Not always, I correct what she is about to say. But yes, I add, we are here again and every time it hurts more than the last because the pureness and sweetness was the best it had ever been, with anyone.
Not always, she admits again, then slips in, but always ends up that way. And this time it was a lot.
She's not wrong. And neither am I.
It's not your fault. The timing. You are healing in your right time. You are lovable as you are. Your love is perfect as it is.