Love Songs
Long day. High stress according to biometrics.
After the unexpected, unearthly visit from my parents today, I let my streaming service play recommended songs based on More Than Words.
Here I am, listening to a long chain of classic / oldies. All love songs. Strangely, really enjoying them.
It dawned on me that it seems strange that I would find that strange. I realized, oh..... Wait. I've always resisted or even disliked most love songs. The more romantic, the more I recoiled.
At best, I appreciated love songs from a corny perspective, like comedic timing in movies.
Tonight may be the first time in my life that I have genuinely liked the experience, without any micro bracing or clenching in my physical body.
It's interesting, that this first follows dead parents assuring their grieving daughter they are together and loving again where they are now. Free from the problems they experienced during life and within their marriage.
This also follows intense self assessment work centered on the theme of what I actually want out of life.
As painful and confronting as the work has been, I can finally accept that I would seriously welcome romantic love back into my life, as part of reclaiming those wants.
Over the last several months, with good therapy, this admission of truth has all slowly unwound, albeit recently that whole effort ruthlessly lurched forward with new speed.
I told myself I didn't need or have desires for such things anymore. Total denial of my desires because desire = danger. Admitting it to myself has been so difficult because it was more than a wish. There was a hair-trigger bomb on guard that I needed to defuse first to even begin giving this vulnerable part the great care and attention it needed and deserved.
There are more grief waves on the way. I'm not naive enough to think otherwise. But I think with all the forced extra therapy I've needed recently and a return to doing self healing energy work and candle ritual, I can feel my heart in a really naked way for the first time in my life.
It's not as scary as I once thought. One day at a time.